Dilemma: When One Partner Ages Faster

We’ve been led to believe that couples will grow old together in the same way, facing the same challenges at the same pace. But as an expert in the field, I’ve found that more often than not, couples age at different speeds: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

In fact, a recent article from The Wall Street Journal titled “One Couple in Their 90s Confronts a Stark Reality: Aging at Different Speeds” highlights just how complex and emotional this reality can be. It tells the story of Fred and Betty Schlissel, married for decades and both in their 90s. Fred is active and independent. Betty, who has dementia, now requires memory care.
Fred made the heartbreaking but necessary decision to move them to the same community, but in separate apartments. He lives in independent living, she lives in memory care. Every day, he walks over to visit her, sit with her, and read to her. “I had to be with Betty,” he says. “That was the most important thing.”
We see this all the time at HouseFit. One partner remains strong and active while the other struggles with multiple health issues, falls, or cognitive decline.

It’s a deeply emotional and frustrating time for both. So how do we help?
Let’s start with the person experiencing losses, the one who used to be healthy and active but now feels trapped by pain, weakness, or fatigue. Their world becomes smaller. They stop doing the things they love. Motivation dwindles, and depression often sets in.
But here’s the truth: mobility and independence don’t have to disappear with age. According to the CDC, physical inactivity is the leading contributor to functional decline, and it’s also one of the easiest to change. Exercise can dramatically improve strength, balance, and mood.
At HouseFit, we often hear, “I don’t want to be a burden.” But we reframe that. We tell them, “The best gift you can give your spouse is taking care of yourself.” When someone regains even a small sense of independence it builds confidence and changes everything.
Now let’s talk about the other side: the spouse who becomes the caregiver. Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs there is. It’s physically draining, emotionally exhausting, and often isolating. According to a 2020 AARP study, over 1 in 5 caregivers report their own health has worsened due to their caregiving duties. They’re so focused on their partner’s needs that they neglect their own.
That’s why supporting the caregiver is just as important. They need rest. They need emotional outlets. They need to stay healthy and strong. Since they often don’t have time for themselves, it can be hard, unless there’s a place for both to happen at the same time.

When we work with couples, it’s usually because they found us to help out the partner who is experiencing losses. After also getting to know the caregiver, it’s clear they need support as well. This is especially true because if something happens to the caregiver, then the loved one can no longer stay at home. It’s a single point of failure for so many of the couples we work with. Oftentimes we will have one partner receiving 1-1 Physical Therapy while the other partner is taking group classes. We get to meet both needs at the same time, in the same place.
At HouseFit, we work with couples every day who are navigating this journey. We help both partners build strength, confidence, and community so they can continue to share a life together, even when their needs diverge. If you or someone you love is facing a similar situation, we’d love to help. Reach out today to schedule a Free Consultation. Let’s find the best path forward together.

​-Dr. Beth

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